Our littlest Angel...

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
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"Each new life, no matter how brief, forever changes the world."

We live in a society now where we share everything, we instagram the pictures of our food (and pets!), we use twitter and foursquare to show where we have been and use facebook for every announcement wither it’s happy or sad… and yet there are some things we just don’t talk about.  If I had lost a relative, or a friend we all know I would be posting how much I missed them, share stories of their lives and help heal through condolences and friends. But what happens when you lose something that people didn’t even know that you had… what happens when you lose that perfect and tiny baby growing inside you. When that happens you usually hold it in, and cry and grieve more privately. 

10 weeks ago after only a few months of trying, Dan and I were surprised and ecstatic when we found out that instead of having the flu we were in fact having a baby.  I did a lot of jumping up and down, maybe even doing a little jig of happiness as I waiting for Dan to come home to tell him… After 3 pregnancy tests at home and a trip to the doctors office it was confirmed that yes I really was having a baby, due the beginning of June. But that is when the rollercoaster begin. The nurse informed me that although I was pregnant my hormone levels were really low. What I remember most is her just repeating that it’s really really early and those numbers are often off when it’s that early but could I come back in for some more blood work. What I didn’t know then is that they estimate that 80% of women will have a miscarriage at some point in their life, most of them not even realizing that they were pregnant and just believe that they got a late and heavy period… But Dan and I thought no that’s not us, and chose to focus instead on this little thing growing inside me. After the second round of blood work the nurse started to get a little worried. My levels were still not doubling as they should, could I come back in for more blood work. At this point we started to worry. The doctors told us that 30-40% of 1^st pregnancies result in a miscarriage. After a night of praying and lot of crying I got my 3^rd call back from the nurse to tell me well looks like my levels were finally going up a bit better, but that my progesterone had started to drop so they were putting me on medication, and with that everything should get back on track… and for a few weeks it looked like it was.  We told our parents and some of our friends, but for the most part we wanted to keep this to ourselves… and then 3 weeks ago during our 1^st ultrasound I got to see the little heartbeat.  Once you see the heartbeat they tell you that the risk of miscarriage goes down… what they forget to remind you is that 1 in 5 pregnancies still result in miscarriage. But at that point we thought we were in the clear… we nicknamed her Bug, cuz she was going to be my little cuddle bug. I referred to her as a she and imagined pink tutus and ballet shoes… Dan referred to Bug as a he, imagining lego sets and watching Notre Dame Football games together.  That’s the thing about losing a baby, even one that you haven’t met, you lose that future you imagined. Last Tuesday I went back to the doctor a bit worried, and was told by the nurse and the doctor that I had nothing to worry about but sure they would do an ultrasound and just see how everything was progressing. In the end sadly there was something to worry about, she couldn’t find a heartbeat this time… I was sent to a specialist at the hospital, and Dan and I were told the same thing. Although the baby should have been just over 9 weeks, it had stopped growing around 6 weeks. The tell you all the statistics and try and make you feel better by telling you how common it is, how since I’ve gotten my miscarriage over on the first I should be good for the next 4 kids, that it’s nothing we did, and there was nothing that we could have done to prevent this… in fact we did everything right. I took Prenatals for 8 months before,  I tried to avoid BPA’s and every type of toxin, we spent most our paychecks at whole foods buying the healthiest and organic foods. But it just wasn’t meant to be. In the end I had the official miscarriage at home with Dan. I think god every day for my amazing husband who has been my rock through all of this… Also for my amazing family, and support system that are my friends.  I’ve found it does help to talk about, helps to write about it. I’ve been shocked at the amount of my friends that have gone through this. And I’m deeply saddened knowing that there will be even more that will go through this down the road. The physical pain has finally started to lesson, and I managed my first walk to the beach today… but the emotional pain is still there. And I imagine it will be for awhile. But while this one wasn’t meant to be, I’d like to think the next one will be. And in the meantime there is another little angel over that rainbow looking out for us.