1 Step Foward... 2 Steps Back!

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us"

Getting over a miscarriage isn’t something you can read about in books, or blogs or even through talking with people who have gone through this. It’s something that you have to just go through on your own. Sadly there are no tricks in helping with it, though everyone has advice for you. I’ve gotten some really sound ones, and some really insensitive ones. But as horrible as it’s been, every day I keep getting a little stronger and a little more sane. Some days are worse than others, I think the timing of the holidays has both helped and hindered me a bit. All the lights and cheer makes me feel a million times better, but at the same time I just have to see a little smiley baby all dressed up in their holiday finest to remember that all I really wanted for the holiday was that perfect chubby cheeked baby of my own. But I can finally say that the good days far outnumber the bad ones and I think my mental state is finally getting back to a good place.  Sadly though I had thought my body was finally getting back to normal too, but in the end it seems to just be holding on. In the beginning of my pregnancy my HCG levels weren’t quite right, and were very slow rising. Now on the back end of that they are very slow falling. Right after the miscarriage my numbers were slow dropping so I tried acupuncture to try and see if that would help. It really seemed to help, my numbers started to drop drastically each week and all the relaxation with neddles in me seemed to help me feel better and better with each appointment. But now 6 weeks after, my levels are still hovering somewhere between not pregnant and just barely pregnant.  Which puts me in a state of limbo… I’m still stuck with blood tests, now we’ve progressed from every week to every other week. I get to spent Christmas Eve getting another ultrasound (#6 for me in the last 4 months!). But more importantly we have to most likely put off trying for another baby for another month, which I think is the most devastating thing behind this. The hope of another baby has been one of the few things that has kept me positive during all of this, the idea that I had to go through all this pain and sadness so that I can get the baby that I was meant to have.  And I know in my heart that we are meant to have a baby, wither it is one we can have natural, one that we will need a little help with to get, or one that is born to someone else who we will have the honor of raising as our own. But even knowing that someday I will get to meet that perfect little chubby faced baby that is meant for me, you can’t blame a girl for being impatient to squeeze those chubby little cheeks!