Sometimes good news is harder to hear than bad...

“Hope is beginning to see that there is a light after all the darkness”

 

After 5 months of blood tests, ultra sounds and horrible doctors’ visits I finally got to hear what we have been waiting for- I was finally told that I was back to normal. The HCG levels had finally reached zero, the little tiny blog clots remaining from the miscarriage were somehow passed naturally so I will not have to get a D&C after all. Everything can go back to normal, and more importantly everything looked healthy and I was given the ok to start to try again for another baby… and for that day I was unbelievable excited. After feeling broken for the last 3 months I finally felt whole again… and then the fear set in. After going through everything the last few months I know that I’m physically and emotionally ready for a new baby, but what I’d pushed to the back of my mind the last few months was what I’m not ready for- I’m not ready to lose another baby. And I know statistically that after just one miscarriage I’m not any more likely than the next woman to have another one, in fact many doctors believe that for about 6 months after your miscarriage you may have a greater chance of carrying your next baby to full term. But there are so many factors we don’t know, so many things that can go wrong. And that fear is sometimes over powering… Besides just fear, I wasn’t prepared for second wave of grief to hit. I should have been. But after finally starting to feel better and finally thinking I was healed I was a bit blind sighted by it. Instead of being over joyed at everything being behind me, all I have felt is empty. What should have left me feeling hopeful has instead left me feeling sad. It’s a reminder that I really am no longer pregnant, that instead of being in my 6 month of Pregnancy I am back to square one. Back to counting dates, and taking temperatures and peeing on sticks. Back to watching my caffeine and alcohol… The only good thing of starting over, is we get a fresh start… and hopefully this time a different outcome!