What Ifs...

"No matter how long the rain lasts, there will be a rainbow in the end. No matter how sad you may be, believe, that happiness is waiting"

Today I got a case of the what if’s… you know the ones when you think what if I didn’t walk through that door at that time, or if I didn’t miss that cab, or in my case what if I was on a late shift that week and we didn’t have sex and what if I wasn’t so obsessed with having a baby and didn’t start charting in the 1^st month, then most likely we wouldn’t  have been pregnant and maybe now I’d be finally pregnant with a healthy little baby…. It’s been awhile since I’ve had the what ifs… but sometimes these things just sneak up on you. Mine were caused this afternoon by a perfect little 7 day old pink and cuddly baby. I was yet again getting another blood test at the doctor’s office- I swear at this point I could be drawing the blood myself, and in the waiting room I was sitting next to a new mom and her baby. I tried to be detached, but she started to breast feed and that little baby made these cute little sucking noises and the tears started in my eyes… it’s been at almost a month since I’ve had a little breakdown, but it just snuck up on me today. Instead of being one of those cute and chubby pregnant woman that were waiting in the office, I was there for a blood test 2 days before yet another ultrasound and a possible D&C to try and get my hormone levels back to zero. I don’t know if it was the baby, or my hormones, or this stupid cold I can’t shake or a case of nerves for having the procedure on Thursday but I felt like I took a tumbling step back emotionally. And rationally I know it’s only been a little over 2 months since the miscarriage, and it’s normal to get a little emotional still but I’m getting sick of being emotional. Sick of blood tests and what if’s… I’m ready to be back to normal, back to my normal obsessive, slightly OCD, quite neurotic but for the most part extremely happy self! But we all have those days, and those what ifs… luckily mine will pass to like all the rest.  And I know that after all the sadness of this last year I am on the brink of something amazing and wonderful… if only that amazing and wonderful part could start soon. Please!